Poison Ivy

For the best,

If I'm going to love, I'm going to LOVE right. No weak and cold heart is in my future anymore. I threw my heart away last night thinking that I didn't need it.  & I don't NEED it, but I WANT it back because I see how it just keeps fighting to get thru to me and finally coming back to my soul, wanting to show me that I can take anything the world fights me with. 

I've been hiding from confrontation with myself, but now myself is the ONLY person I need to befriend if I want to be whole again.  I looked for attention because my body wasn't giving me what I wanted. I kept falling and depending upon the words and feelings of others and the truth is that I was foolish and just did not see that the only best friend I needed that will not lie to me is myself if I tell her I'm sorry that I didn't treat her the same way that I wanted to be treated. 

It's always been a mental and physical battle but the best way is to remove my hypocrisy and accept all of me and tell myself that the truth will give you Paradise & to remember that you will bring Peace on the Streets if you persevere and TRY. 

So last night I told Michelle that I'm sorry that she doesn't need to play Canon in D for me anymore and that I'm sorry that I've held that hidden from her because I didn't want to face it. She cried with me because she knew it was the only real thing I wanted in a marriage and removal of that meant that I saw no future that contained matrimony anymore because I spent my last chance. I had to go hard or go home and I told her why I can't hurt myself anymore either and that I'm going to live well to show her that I love my sisters more than I love myself. 

My honesty began full throttle in the house I would oftentimes feel embarrassed to be in when I realized that I was pulling my family down with me when I was unwell. I've even relayed that fact of embarrassment because again, life is short and I just want to feel free in paradise. 

It's me against the world now and my hearts already found it's home, so I may be on a different path but my hearts already split and the other half that I still give to you will follow thru with keeping you safe, wherever you go, even if I'm just an invisible girl. And I mention you because having you to share my life with has made me more than what I dreamed of.  You don't need to reciprocate my feelings, but I'm hiding the key to my heart in your man purse. Do what you want to do with it, but it's never going to be there to offend again. So keep your chin held high & land safely and delicately in all of your future horizons... 😌

If I'm going to love, I'll take everything that hurts because it will just be polishing my lackluster and sharp heart. I'm pushing forward with what I know I can be. Not everything retains it's shape and form, unless there's no activity towards a better future.  I was too unconfident, incompetent and  scared to look life in the eye, but I know it's time to grow the hell up and be selfish and selfless in accordance with what's the best for everyone.  I'll admit that I am selfish and now I see that if I want a healthy selfishness, I need to just keep everything about myself to just me and only those very few I'd trust my life with.  I've been living dangerously and disrespectful so I'll be selfish now in a better light by taking cafe of my words, actions and time now, but I'll be selfless if I'll grow up from doing so than I could in comparison to if I was just a bland 1. Love yourself individually without any holistic motivations and goals for those I care for and love. 

I have eyes and ears but I've been very blind and wouldn't listen. I want to feel how much I deserve for all of my mistakes, because I do not want to remain a broken and useless record. So I will say that you are someone I want to protect but I just didn't do it right. All I could do was wish but I see now that my wishes don't need to be wishes if they can be actions instead. I've lost you and I will respect your choice, but it doesn't mean that I can't continue to give you my "love".  & You're right, it's just another label and words can never illuminate how I really feel except for what my choices are and how much I follow through with what I say and the truth I want to give my every minute to now.

I am poison and you and I know that I always have been. It doesn't really matter how and why, because what matters is the fact that there are cures to poison. You and my family are those that have been slowly planting reality for me to find that just because something looks down on me in negativity, that it's just life and I need to just walk the path through the bites, thorns, unprotected mazes and pitch falls just to find myself where I need to be. 

It's time to start over and that begins with not lying to myself and that will transgress around me to those that matter and still persevered through my life's unfortunate parts of hurt that I negatively overdo cause I am needy and I like attention for the fore mentioned reasons. I don't want to be forgotten, but I'm digging my own grave by doing all the wrong ways of getting me back to someone I'd be proud of. She's still on her way home, so I'll have my arms wide open. 

So with truth, I will say again that I haven't let go. I won't because I do not want to. I'll take whatever sadness I'm given but this time I'll continually dig deeper, darling, cause I know within me is natural happiness and a future. 

If I love, I'm going to make it mine and I'll let it thrive because that's what will lead me through the rest of this life of possibilities, chances and becoming a better wholesome individual who will never have anymore regrets due to simple mistakes that weren't battled against. 

I am an intellectual woman, but I will work beyond that and find wisdom by learning my lessons and not asking for what I do not need. I already have all that I need and it's just been laying dormant in my lethargic hands. So I've turned around and I'll be picking up all my so called shattered pieces and reconstructing it all back to a masterpiece of a life that just wants to love and live. 

Hate me? Go ahead cause I'll continuously smile because you were once the man at my side and you cared. You may despise me at times, but I hope you'll still keep some minimal memories for when you need a laugh like when I tied you up on your bed and you evolved into sushi. 

Never want to talk to me again? Please do try, but if you just want to take a time out, just do it. Life's long and so short, so every minute of sadness is an even bigger waste of life.  Get thru this you and I catastrophe in however you see fit, because I'm not trying to ever change you. I'm just trying to save myself from being lost. & yes I still hope that you'll still be a coincidence on a warm and bright summer day on a beach, somewhere out there. 

Change or no change, best or worst, weak or strong, sorry but I'll give you another warning that resonates from the first warning I gave you that I might fall for you. Time keeps walking me back to you somehow and I'm warning you that I will only have one lock to my heart and since it's all yours, you have will have 100% chance at reopening my heart and you'd get a lot more of the girl you may miss again. 

This may be a lot of flufffffff but this is me being selfish and sharing  nothing less than honesty for once. 

Farewell, for now...

Honest warmth and all the best,

Zarrin Madelene