A majority of that ~3 hour drive home was soaked in a feeling that just kept inviting me to fall asleep. Then after finally getting back to the ground after fighting off that feeling, I saw for once some shred of light in having holiday bliss. At that same moment, a bolt of sunlight permeated through my window out of what used to be nothing but shades of grey. That positive feeling was appreciated because I felt the rejuvenated desire to say my thank yous finally. But,
Maybe what catalyzed that result even more was how there was a moment when my right knee hurt unusually and very clearly and it lured me into making me literally say out loud, "PLEASE god don't do this to me" as I simultaneously thought about how I hope I won't lose more. So then I started my thank yous. I thanked God for still keeping me okay.
Two days ago I remember I told my friend that I wasn't looking forward to Thanksgiving, but I guess she could tell I wasn't in a very festive mood? But somewhat ironically, I do now think I found some ounce of that holiday feeling when I was close to being home and I've maintained some slim portion of it.
And thoughts now aside from the more cognitive and emotional things? "I don't need to shower and get dressed up anymore, but that is okay."
And of course, what really isn't okay is that I ate the crappiest "food" today and no part of me wants to even change that. What I do want to change though, is how snot loves to hang out with me, so I take it back - I do need to at least change.
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