Just Another Cold November 2.0

My Choice

 Just Another Cold November Day 2.0

I felt and learned from the trail I left off with earlier and what I was privileged to have became a simple but endearing sentence that resulted from all of the things that finally collided.

"The whole is greater than the sum of its parts." (Aristotle)

It became a sentence that required a lot of reading between the lines because the whole was more than what I could have assumed it to be.  With this realization, I just knew that it doesn't mean that I'm just some multi-faced living and breathing thing.  I'm STILL the same person, and I love her more than ever loved her before.  

At this moment.  

So as of right now,  I am taking what's been reaching out to me over who knows how long that its been asking and begging to be finally looked at, and finally letting her both work against and with the grain.  All I can think of now is that I want and WILL finally put into a tangible form of communication a renewed perspective of this little thing called life.  So in essence, I'm writing and doing this for myself.

This is my Thanksgiving present to the girl of many shades and hues.

To reiterate, I am the same person.  And it is my choice to categorize, organize AND use every thread of me through one filter that makes all the sense in the world to me.  I'm more than what I can be assumed to be, but that doesn't mean that I'm just a multi faced living and breathing thing as is shown by the parts of who I am and have been that follows after the jump.  I have found my ingredients and now I have found my recipe.  The key component that overlays both my ingredients and recipe together is also what I can and am using also as my filter to help me things more thoroughly and precisely. It's a little thing called Time.  

1. the girl I (once) wanted to be again.   

She was the only good thing I could still see bits and pieces of. She was the Zarrin I believed I only loved and who was my pristine Angel of the past.  Her comparison with her present and her past was the most insufficient choice, because she was extremely biased.  She was heavily swayed by her hate and loathing of her new self.  She refused to see any constructive criticism and so she ran without even first trying.

"I'm not a girl, not yet a woman." (Britney Spears)

2. the girl that was struggling.

She struggled to understand who she became and why life treated her that way.  This version of me felt like life was simply being unfair.

3. the girl that just wanted to know why.  

The girl that was trying to learn to be a better person who did not linger only on the negativity of her days and nights.  She was sad, confused and scared, but she couldn't help but want to know the answer to the question that plagued her set of mind.

3.1 the girl that got her damn answer. 

Then the day came when she found out why she wasn't the same. She felt it in her physical sphere and also thru her actions, thoughts and emotions.  This pandemonium made her label her 'new' life as one that was drowning in the bittersweetness that refused to do anything but choke her.  She still did not even try; she had no hope and didn't remember what it even felt like to have it and what it looked like

3.2 the girl that just wanted to breathe again.

She was constantly in a flux of changes. She believed more and so she had some hope, but she still wanted to only base her present life on her old life that said goodbye.

"(...) failed experiment(s) in mutation" (The Fault in Our Stars,  John Green)"

4. the woman who knew she was much more.  She had to finally start really fighting for herself and what did she do?  She finally digested how she was NOT a failure.  She was "sick" but what did that really mean?  She strived to figure out how much of that sickness really led her.  But she strived even hard to be what leads her sickness, not the other way around.  She refused to have a life led by one disease.  So she finally led her own footsteps and never again thought she was the prisoner of her own war with herself.  Her body was her biggest enemy, but she was fighting to win that war. 

 5. the woman who finally found bravery to really see the ingredients to her life.  It was a slow process because it still required digging for hope.  This is what gave her 

6. the woman who thrived because of her passion.